Let’s talk about horror stories: you have been with your partner for so long, you no longer feel sexually attracted to them. Perhaps everything else in the relationship is fine or not, but in any case, you’re not feeling the urge to get close and make love again. So, what can you do before you consider giving up on your relationship or giving up on sex? There are plenty of options, let’s see some of them.
All relationships have ups and downs. It is perfectly normal to have cycles where intimacy changes its form. Sometimes, intimacy may look like being naked in bed; at other times, it may be having the courage to drink tea and sharing with your partner something that has been worrying you about work. Going through a period when you’re having less sex is ok, the thing is when you notice it has turned into a sustained pattern or, even worse, when you realize you resist the idea of being physically intimate.
First things first: Acknowledge what is happening
As with any problem, the first step is recognizing that it is happening, both to you and your partner. You need to have an open conversation and decide whether you’re willing to work together to solve it. An important thing to keep top of mind while you discuss the topic is to avoid blaming either of you for what is going on. If the conversation starts with “You never have time for sex” or “You never let me get close”, no one is getting naked. Instead, frame things from the perspective of what you have been feeling. Having the conversation outside of the bedroom might help keep things calm.
Identify the origin of the problem
According to the psychologist and sex therapist May Soo, there are at least three common causes of the decay of sexual attraction in a couple:
- Repressed anger and resentment
Ignored or poorly managed conflict can lead to accumulating anger towards your partner and even towards yourself (for not being able to stand up for what you needed at the right moment). If this is the case, it is going to lead you to close emotionally and become distant, eventually losing interest in sex. Letting go of repressed anger without attacking your partner can be difficult. If this is your case, attending therapy together may be extremely useful. - Too much familiarity and comfort
Eroticism, both at the beginning of a relationship and in the long run, is fed by a sense of play, mystery, novelty, and adventure. We all need structure, routines, and security, but when these elements kill all the novelty in the relationship, sexual attraction can wear off. Bringing novelty back can range from visiting one of your hotels to just changing the way you touch each othe r —for example, by touching your partner with a piece of ice or sitting apart so that you can only reach each other using your feet. Use your imagination, and if you feel getting some new toys or lingerie might help, please do!
- Emotional fusion and lack of separateness
In the same way we all need security but too much predictability in a relationship might become boring; we all need connection, but becoming stuck as if you two were a single piece kills sexual attraction. For you to want to get together, you need to be two unique, separate human beings. Simple as that. So, besides working on the unresolved issues from the past and visiting us, you might want to get into a new hobby, go more often to have brunch with your friends, or join a book club. Look for the things that make you uniquely you and cultivate them, so that you can then come back to your partner and want to share the new things in your life.
What Tantric masters have to say on this matter
From the perspective of Tantra practitioners, a balanced couple has one person who is polarized to their masculine energy (that is, someone who is more rational, who wants to create structure, and has a clear north in their life) and one who is polarized to their feminine energy (someone who is more sensual, emotional, nurturing). Tantra teaches that we all need to cultivate and balance these two types of energy within ourselves, but to attract a partner, you must behave like a magnet. Any magnet has two poles, but if you are both too busy thinking about work or paying the bills, there is no way you can attract.
Bringing back polarity in your relationship is first a matter of personal work: if you feel you should be the feminine pole in your relationship, cultivate your sensitivity, dance alone, go to museums, give yourself a massage using fragrant oil. If you feel you should be the masculine pole in your relationship, meditate, work out, cultivate your intellect. It is clear we all need to work on ourselves in all of these ways, but what would make you the most different from your partner in a pleasant way, so that you can long to be together again?
